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The Dance That Destroys Relationships

April 15, 2018 Pastor: Jim Swaney Series: The DNA of Good Relationships

Topic: Relationships Scripture: Proverbs 23:7, Romans 12:2b, Psalm 34

The DNA Of Good Relationships                                                           

Part 2: “The Dance That Destroys Relationships”

“As a man thinks in his heart, so he is…”  Proverbs 23:7 (NKJV)

In lots of relational conflicts, there is more than meets the eye:

  1. The external problem is rarely the real
  1. The real problem—the core problem--is really my fear.
  1. Each of us is involved in a “Fear Dance.”
  1. Don’t expect the other person to be the solution.
  1. We can break the rhythm of the fear dance!

So, the 4-step “box steps” of the Fear Dance are:

  1. You Hurt: you feel wounded by what someone said or did to you
  2. You Want: a solution to help you feel better. Most of us want that from another person.
  3. You Fear: you fear that one of your “core fears” will happen (e.g. fear of loss of connection; fear of losing control; fear of inadequacy; fear of rejection & abandonment)
  4. You React: you escalate your emotions and “lash out” by trying to seize what you think you’re losing; e.g. control, respect, connection; etc.  You hurt the other person that you want to validate you.

I sought the Lord, and he answered me; he delivered me from all my fears.” 
Psalm 34:4 (NIV)


  1. Remember that most of your problems in relationships are not actually the real problem.
  2. Stop waltzing to the destructive rhythm of the Fear Dance.
  3. Take time to think and figure out your own core fears.
  4. Understand how GOD can answer and protect you from all your fears, and meet all your core needs to be loved, valued, and significant.

“Be transformed by the renewing of your mind…”   Romans 12:2b (NIV)

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